


You Promised Forever

by hisokas_ace_of_nekoma



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27194476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisokas_ace_of_nekoma/pseuds/hisokas_ace_of_nekoma
Summary: Iwaizumi figures he has his whole life to tell Oikawa everything he loves about him. To tell him he loves him. Oikawa had promised forever, after all. He still had time...right?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 12





	You Promised Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Hiii!  
> this is my first work so sorry if its not very good:(  
> hope you enjoy:))  
> ❤❤❤  
> (also trigger warning maybe)  
> wait one more thing! the formatting might be a little funky because I copy and pasted it from google docs and some things are different on here so um sorry!!

"It's bad"

The habitually apathetic boy stared through glassy eyes at the love of his life. Tears already staining his face, he thought to himself,

Why? How could they take away the most beautiful boy in the world? It’s not fair… 

Iwaizumi tried to calm himself down. He knew his disheveled state doused Oikawa in undeserved guilt. In guilt that only he could relieve him of. He tried to think. Remember the happy times when they were kids, the happy times when Oikawa's face would light up after he had bought him milk bread, the happy times when they played volleyball together, the perfect pair. A setter and his ace. Iwaizumi closed his eyes and focused on the memories, his breathing slowly but surely steadying until...

"I'm sorry"

It came out as more of a whisper, a ghost of what Oikawa usually sounded like. Iwaizumi was ripped from daydreams of the little bit of happiness that could push away the thought of Oikawa's current state and the tears began flowing once more. Tohru, his tohru, will leave him. No no no no no no no no, he had promised forever, he can't leave. No. He can't...right? Iwaizumi's head was spinning. He couldn't think, he couldn't speak to tell Oikawa it was okay, because it wasn't. It wasn't okay. Everything would not be fine. The horrid reality managing a second blow to Iwaizumi's heart, a stab wound too deep to stitch, a gunshot too severe to heal, a love too close to being lost. He let out a cry, voice hoarse with despondency. 

“Iwa-chan...please...don't...cry” 

Oikawa placed his hands gently on his boyfriend’s face, caressing Iwaizumi’s cheeks. He smiled gently, tears rimming his eyes, threatening to fall. Iwaizumi raised his hands and positioned them to rest around Oikawa’s. He looked up from his place next to his best friend’s hospital bed. Iwaizumi’s knees knocked against the plastic frame around the bed as he scooted closer. Closer, he needed to be closer. Shifting his face to the side a bit, Hajime planted a soft kiss on the palm of Oikawa’s hand. The calluses flooding him with nostalgia of their volleyball days. 

Iwaizumi couldn't even utter a single word, giving up after everything he tried to say turned into sobs. He knew what was happening. It had been almost three weeks since Oikawa got diagnosed with Guillen-Barre and Iwaizumi had spent those three weeks preparing for the worst, yet when it became real, when his worst nightmares became a reality, it hurt more than anything in the world. It felt like his heart had been shattered into a thousand pieces. The worst thing was, barely anyone ever died of it. Recovery was a common occurrence. Clutching the shirt that covered his chest, Iwaizumi thought,

Hold on, I still need you..Can’t you hear me saying ‘Please don't leave me’...

_____________________

“Iwa-chan~!”

Oikawa ran towards his childhood friend and wrapped him in a hug, drowning himself in the familiar scent he had known for so long. Iwaizumi chuckled, tapping Oikawa on the back. Curious, Tohru released his tight grip on Iwaizumi and turned, following his friend’s pointed finger to face both Iwaizumi’s and his own family. Blushing from the very apparent display of affection, Oikawa looked towards the ground as the loved ones surrounding him grinned, some even giggling to Oikawa's extent in a friendly manner. Cheeks still scarlet from his fresh embarrassment, he felt an arm settle on his shoulders, pulling him closer to that same, familiar scent. Finally removing his gaze from the concrete below his feet, Oikawa turned his head to the right to face the hand that was clasping his shoulder. He continued to turn his head until the wide, cyan sleeve they donned was visible. Smiling to no one in particular, Tohru prematurely said his ‘thank yous’ and twirled out of Iwaizumi’s hold. But instead of letting go of his friend, Oikawa grabbed Hajime’s hand and pulled him away. 

“What-Oikawa what is it?” Iwaizumi trailed behind, the brown haired boy pulling him along, his face a mixture of determination and goofiness. Hajime quickly apologized to their families and friends as he got dragged away by Tohru. Rather than answering Iwaizumi’s question, Oikawa flashed a smile backwards, causing the other boy’s cheeks to turn a deep scarlet, and continued on. 

After a few seconds it hit Iwaizumi where they were headed. Grinning to himself, Hajime allowed himself to be pulled along, picking up his pace to trace the familiar path the pair had walked so many times before. 

“You’ve figured it out, haven’t you?” Oikawa called back to the boy behind him. He turned around, beaming, to face the love of his life. Taking long strides backwards, Tohru grasped Iwaizumi’s other hand in his, his smile masking the small aching in his chest. He couldn't believe this was it, the last time they'd be together at Aoba Johsai as students. Taking in the view of his best friend, he noticed all the little things that had slipped by his eyes. No longer the rough little boy, Iwaizumi’s shoulders had broadened, his jaw had become more defined, the new muscles on his arms peeking out from under his graduation gown…

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” Startled, Oikawa’s face turned pink after realizing he had been staring.

“I’m just taking in your intoxicating beauty, Iwa-chan.” Tohru teased, “Now come sit down with me.”

Iwaizumi smirked at his boyfriend’s remark, not admitting that he thought Oikawa was the real beauty. It’ll just go to his head. I'll tell him when he’s more mature, he chuckled to himself. Not noticing how far they had walked from the ceremony, Hajime took in his surroundings. The pair sat down on the bench they had sat on so many times before, Oikawa resting his head on the other boy’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and thought to himself. How did I even manage to make him mine? I must’ve been good in my past life…

Iwaizumi sat still, figuring Oikawa was asleep due to his lack of movement, and enjoyed the peaceful day, listening to the soft sound of Oikawa’s breathing. It wasn’t too chilly, though it was still March, and the sun was warm on his face. After a few minutes, Tohru spoke up,

“Do you remember my 16th birthday?” he asked softly. 

“Yes…” Iwaizumi replied thinking back.

__________________________

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

My arm went up to knock on your door. The same door I had knocked on so many times prior, muscle memory curling my hand into a loose fist. I stepped back and expected to wait a little but before I got the chance, 

“Iwa-chan~!” Your voice was sweet, euphonious to my ears as I heard the familiar nickname. I liked the nickname. It didn't bother me like I made you think it did, not like you were going to stop anyways. You were annoying, but you were the best kind of annoying. You were Oikawa. 

“Stop calling me that” I grumbled out of habit. As if you didn't even hear me, you grabbed the gift out of my hands and shook it around, lips pursed in concentration.

“Hey! What are you—”  
“Iwa-chan did you get me what I think you got me!?” 

Your face was bright with excitement and I couldn't help but blush. Of course I had, you’d been talking about wanting one for months before. You smiled, your teeth showing like a little kid.

“I can’t tell you that~” I teased. You made a pouty face and turned away from me, crossing your arms in front of you. Oh how I loved the signature ‘Oikawa is a freaking four year old’ pout. I fake sighed and you spun around. 

“Iwa don't leave! I’m not reaaalllyyy mad!” You laughed, grabbing my arm and pulling me down the hall to your room. When we got there you took a seat on your bed, matching alien sheets and blankets thrown across. My arm was cold from where your fingers had just been. You looked up at me before patting the empty space next to you. I sat down as you pulled a fuzzy throw over the two of us. It wasn't the warmest outside, despite it still being summer so I pulled the blanket up to my chin. 

“Can we watch a movie?” You asked, looking at me, eyes wide and sparkling. If anyone had seen you then, your tall body hidden under the large blanket, they would have mistaken you for a small child, not a 16 year old. 

“It’s your birthday, do whatever you want.” I replied and you scrambled out of the bed. Grabbing your laptop from your desk, you walked back towards me smiling. You, once again, took your place next to me under the blanket and powered on the computer. 

“What are we watching?” I asked, but by the facial expression you made I knew already. Howl’s Moving Castle. The same one we watched the first time I came over to your house. You never did answer that question, just smirked. 

“Iwa-chan, I’m cold!”You complained. The movie had almost finished. I looked over to you who had, during the duration of the movie, slowly took over the entire blanket. I smiled at the sight, you curled up under the same alien blanket you had since we were little, eyes fixed on watching a movie we could probably recite the lines to. 

“Hmm? What did you say?” I asked, pulling the blanket off of you so it covered me. 

“Hey!! I said I was cold!” You pouted again, no longer paying attention to the movie. I had stopped watching halfway through when I had found a better sight. My gaze set on you the whole night. But you never noticed it, and I was okay with that. I smiled at you and you deepened your frown. 

“Iwaaaa!!” You protested, trying to snatch the blanket back. I laughed, pulling it out of your reach every time you reached out to grab it. After a few minutes you stopped trying, crossing your arms and focusing your eyes back on the blank computer screen. The movie had ended, the screen turned black but you just sat there, staring at it.

“Come on, Crappykawa, I was just joking,” I threw the blanket back over you, “Here.” I said. You didn't look at me, just balled up the blanket and tossed it on the floor next to your bed. I sighed, getting up to retrieve it. I walked around the edge of the bed, my eyes still fixed on you. I had finally turned away to pick up the neglected blanket. I sat back down and settled myself back under it and looked at you, your face still down. I turned towards you and opened the blanket up, my arms open as if preparing for a hug. 

“If you’re cold, come here.” I held my arms open still and your eyes flashed towards me. Your shoulders shook a little and I froze. I thought you were crying. You turned my direction and giggled, scooting closer. 

“Hey, don't laugh! I’m being nice!” I blushed a little as you nestled yourself into me. You were taller, but that didn't stop you from fitting perfectly next to me. Your head rested on my chest and I closed my arms around you hesitantly. 

“Iwa-chan?” You whispered after some time. I almost didn't catch it, your voice softer than silk. I mumbled a ‘hmm?’ and you moved your face to look me in the eye. We were lying down at this point, under two blankets because of the air conditioning. Your parents always liked it colder in the house, though never complained when they had to turn up the temperature for you. You always got cold easily but you never seemed to have a coat with you. It was fine, I always gave you mine. 

“Can I ask you something?” Your eyes reluctant to meet mine. I looked down at you, studying your unsure face. 

“You can do whatever you want, it's your birthday, remember?” I joked, cracking a smile. Your eyes finally met mine. I was about to ask what it was when suddenly your lips were crashing against mine. A hunger like a starved animal. My eyes widened in shock, not expecting the kiss. I closed my eyes and returned it. A thousand thoughts swirled around my mind. You pulled away after a few seconds, breathing heavy, and turned your blushing face away from me. I swallowed, nervous, and began to mumble.

“Crappykawa...what was that—” 

“I like you, Iwa-chan,” You blurted out, body twisting a little to face me. My mouth opened but no words came out. Me too, I wanted to say. Me too. I was frozen, surprise apparent on my face. Your hands flew to your open mouth and tears began to fall. Commending myself to move, I wrapped my arms around your body, pulling you closer to me. Tucking the blankets around you, I continued to hold you. We stayed like that until finally falling asleep. 

“I like you too, Tohru,” I whispered to your sleeping body when I woke up, my previous panic gone. Your head shifted against my chest. You mumbled something incoherently and I was taken aback. Had you heard me? 

“Oikawa? Are you awake?” I asked a little louder, but still careful to not wake you up.

“Hmmhmm” Was your response. I laughed softly, brushing the bangs off of your face. I scooted closer and closed my eyes, breathing in the smell of your hair. 

_________________________

“That was my favorite birthday” Oikawa added after a little while. Iwaizumi rested his head on Oikawa’s, brown hair soft against his cheek. He opened his hand face up on his thigh and the other boy gladly took it. 

“We should get going,” He said, getting up, his hand still intertwined with Oikawa’s. 

“Okay.”

__________________________

“Iwa-chan! Did you come to see me leave?” Oikawa ran to give his childhood friend a hug, abandoning his small amount of luggage next to the bus stop. 

“You shoulnt leave your stuff by itself, you know,” Iwaizumi returned the embrace, soaking up as much of his friend as he could. Phone calls everyday still couldn’t replace having him in person. Iwaizumi’s eyes began to tear up and he turned away from Oikawa, blinking quickly in an attempt to push them back. Oikawa’s shoulders shuddered a little and Hajime broke the hug to hold him at arm's length. 

“You remember your promise, Crappykawa?” Iwaizumi’s voice broke a bit as he spoke. 

“Yeah,” Tohru sniffled, a sad smile forming on his face, “Forever,” He finished. The bus pulled in, illuminating them in the darkness of the night. Giving Oikawa one last peck, Iwaizumi handed him his things and waved. The bus slowly pulled out onto the road and began to drive away. Iwaizumi’s tears were falling now but he didn't care to hold them in. Suffocating on the lump forming in his throat, he sat down on the bus stop bench and sobbed quietly into his hands and wondered how long it would be until he saw Oikawa next. The bus ride was long, as if finding often breaks in school wasn’t hard enough. 

________________________________

“Hello?” Iwaizumi hastily picked up his phone. Oikawa hadn't called in the morning that day, despite his daily ritual to do so. 

“Iwa-chan? Sorry I’m calling late! I was—” He was interrupted by a voice on the other end of the line,

“Oikawa. We have to run some more tests but it's not looking very good so far. I’m sorry.” It said. A million thoughts swam around Iwaizumi’s head. Suddenly, the ‘beep-beep’ of the phone woke him from his daze. He had been hung up on. What’s going on? He thought, the worst possibilities relentlessly nipping at his mind. Iwaizumi didn't know what was happening but he decided it was better to be safe than sorry and grabbed his backpack before heading out the door. 

The bus doors opened after 5 hours and Iwaizumi stepped outside. It was late, around 10 at night, when he got to Waseda University. He began walking, feet tracing the same route he had taken so many times to see Oikawa until he reached his friend’s dorm room. The door opened soon after Iwaizumi knocked.

“Iwaizumi-kun!” Asked the silver and black haired boy. Iwaizumi said hello as Bokuto moved aside to let him in. They had met briefly during the times he had visited Oikawa but their relationship began and ended at their shared friend. 

“Sorry to bother you this late, Bokuto. Is Tohru there?” Bokuto nodded, pointing towards the body-shaped lump on one of the beds. Bokuto seemed like a nice guy, matching Oikawa’s eccentric personality, and Iwaizumi had doubts when he was made aware they were going to be roommates. They soon disappeared when he was more formally introduced to his special person, Akaashi. The couples had known each other in high school, having had their teams play each other, but never met on other occasions. 

“Hmm? Iwa-chan? What are you doing here?” Oikawa sat up, hair a mess.

“What? Are you not happy to see me?” Iwaizumi teased. Oikawa eagerly shook his head no, a smile goofily hanging off his face and opened his arms to his friend. Iwaizumi sat on the bed and pressed a soft kiss against Oikawa’s cheek. 

“Hey, you still didn't answer my question, Iwa-chan~!” Oikawa whined in a playful voice. Iwaizumi replied,

“I can’t check up on my boyfriend whenever I want?” Iwaizumi stabbed his fingers gently into Oikawa’s sides causing him to giggle. Sitting down on his own bed, Bokuto cleared his throat,

“Get a room, you two!” He laughed loudly, surely waking up any who had fallen asleep in the building. Oikawa and Iwaizumi joined in, chuckling at the fact that they had forgotten he was there the whole time. After a few minutes Bokuto laid down to go to sleep and the couple stepped outside the room to continue talking. Sitting in the hallway of the dormitory building Oikawa questioned, 

“This...visit...It isn't about the phone call earlier, right?” He asked slowly, tone suddenly dropping any sign of humor. Iwaizumi stared Oikawa in the eyes, facade serious with a hint of worry. 

“If something was wrong, you’d tell me?” Iwaizumi countered, not dropping his gaze. Oikawa fidgeted and bit his lip. He wondered, How much does he know? I hung up pretty fast, I think…

“Oikawa?” The boy looked back up from the floor to meet his friend’s eyes. Guilt immediately washed over him. I should’ve told him. Right when I was diagnosed. 

“I...I went to the doctors today,” He started before getting interrupted. 

“Why? What's wrong?” Iwaizumi’s heart raced with worry, recalling the words he heard over the phone. Oikawa twisted his finger in the hem of his shirt. 

“A few months ago...I went to the doctors, remember?” He continued. The other boy nodded his head slowly, making sure he didn't miss a single thing. “He said I had a condition. B-but it was okay because it wasn't a very serious one!” Oikawa hastily added the second half on when Iwaizumi’s eyes widened. 

“What is it?” Hajime pressed, worry settling over him like a storm cloud. Negative thoughts swam in his head. 

“Guillain-Barre. It's not common but most people recover.” Was the answer. Iwaizumi nodded again, deciding whether to ask Oikawa about what he had overheard during their short phone call. 

“Earlier today...when you called, I heard someone say something was bad. Is that what he was talking about?” He hesitantly questioned. Oikawa's facial expression was nervous and he swallowed before replying with a quiet ‘yes’. 

_________________________________

It wasn't soon after that Oikawa had to be moved to a hospital. Bokuto had been getting ready for bed when Oikawa suddenly called out in pain. His legs had been tingling the past few days but he didn't want to bother anyone about it so kept quiet. Bokuto dropped what he was doing to rush to his roommate’s aid. Driving to the hospital, Oikawa continued to whimper, pain flaring in his legs and feet. At the ER, he called Iwaizumi to explain what had happened, voice coated in panic. ‘I’m on my way’ was all that Iwaizumi had replied. 

“Tohru Oikawa, he got here a few hours ago.” Iwaizumi said to the front desk woman who gave him directions. He had gotten to the University of Tokyo Hospital at one in the morning, rushing through the halls until he got to the room where Oikawa was. The nurse at the front counter had been nice but Iwaizumi had too much on his mind to be polite. His eyes caught on silver hair, matted down from being wet, and ran towards it. Bokuto, who had been too nervous to sleep, was sitting in the hallway outside of his roommate’s hospital room. Looking up at Iwaizumi he said, voice quieter than usual,

“You can go in. I-I think I’m going to go…” Bokuto stuttered, shooken from what had happened. Iwaizumi nodded and pushed open the door. Oikawa was sweating, but his face looked at rest. The nurse explained to him that he was on strong pain medications and was likely to be asleep for a while longer. Leaving after finishing up with Oikawa, the nurse told Iwaizumi to call her if anything happened. Saying thank you, Hajime pulled a chair up to the hospital bed and gripped his best friend’s hand. ‘Please be okay…’ He thought to himself. 

___________________________________

“How are you feeling today? Does it hurt anywhere?” Iwaizumi asked Oikawa. A few days had passed since the move to the hospital and Iwaizumi had rarely left his friend’s side. He had been excused from school for an undetermined period of time due to Oikawa’s condition and was fully taking advantage of it. 

“Stop worrying so much, Iwa-chan! I'm fine!” Tohru reassured. He might've said this but it was the pain medication that kept him at ease. Oikawa was bedridden, his legs no longer willing to move. It wasn't this that bothered Iwaizumi, though. It was the fact that his best friend was not likely to walk again. 

“Oikawa, Iwaizumi, hello.” The doctor walked in, closing the door behind him. Iwaizumi nodded and Oikawa waved, flashing a smile. “We ran some more tests and I’m afraid it isn't looking so good. It seems that your immune system is attacking the myelin sheath rather quickly, faster than usual.” He clarified. 

“Easy words, Doctor Takahashi!” Oikawa replied, a smile still on his face. Iwaizumi’s jaw tightened, ‘Does he not realize what's happening? How can he still smile after hearing what the doctor just said?”. 

“Right, sorry. Your immune system is attacking your nerves,” Oikawa nodded, “This is what happens with GBS but for you, it's happening very fast. Faster than it should and it doesn't seem to be slowing down.” The doctor wrapped up after explaining some more things for the pair and left them alone to soak in the news. Iwaizumi thought about what the doctor had said, that if it kept going at this rate, Oikawa might not make it more than a few more weeks. 

“Iwa-chan?” Iwaizumi looked at his sick friend, “I’m sorry. I know I said forever but...we may not get that.” He finished, taking deep breaths so not to start crying. Iwaizumi got up from his seat and wrapped his arms around the other boy, drinking in the feel of the light brown hair against his cheek, the weakened arms that held him back, the nimble fingers that rubbed against his back. 

_________________________________

Iwaizumi blinked awake, tearing himself from another nightmare. It was just a bad dream, he told himself, Oikawa is fine...look he's right there next to you. Iwaizumi rubbed his eyes and rubbed the side of his face with his fingers, before closing them again. Sitting up in the small hospital bed, thoughts from his dream snuck through his mind’s barrier like Odysseus’s wooden horse. Letting out a sigh, he said,

“What am I thinking...He’s fine...What? You don’t believe me? Here, I’ll show you--What am I even saying right now..?” Iwaizumi quietly chuckled at himself for both doubting Oikawa’s security and then conversing with himself about it. He pulled back his hand before it could touch Oikawa’s carotid artery. Shaking his head, he looked down at his best friend’s sleeping body. It wasn’t moving but this did not shock Iwaizumi. He knew Oikawa went into paralysis. He knew most of Oikawa’s body was paralyzed. He knew it wasn’t likely that Oikawa would recover after what the doctor had said. But he knew he still had Oikawa for a little bit longer. He knew. He knew. He knew. He thought.

Half the day passed away the same way it usually did. Iwaizumi, on a break from University due to Oikawa’s condition, sitting in the chair next to the hospital bed where the love of his life was resting. Oikawa following a blue butterfly around the room with his eyes. Iwaizumi holding in his tears when he has to tell Oikawa that the butterfly’s not really there. Oikawa’s disappointed face when it disappears. Most of the time was spent in silence. Tohru was always the talker, but now that he had lost the ability to, Iwaizumi struggled to make up for the constant rambling. 

He had always told Oikawa that he should ‘shut up’ or ‘be quieter’ or to ‘stop calling me that’ but now, he would give the world just to hear him say something. Anything. Random volleyball facts, stats,…’Iwa-chan~’, it doesn't matter, anything would do. But he couldn't have anything could he? No. 

At four in the afternoon Oikawa shifted his head to look Iwaizumi in the eyes, one of the only things he could still do. 

“Huh? D-do you need something?” Iwaizumi asked hesitantly, noticing Oikawa’s movement immediately. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he regretted them. It wasn’t what he asked, or how he asked, it was what the response was. Or rather, what it wasn't. Silence. He frowned and looked at his friend, trying to figure out what it was that he wanted. 

“Do you want to watch a movie? Howl’s Moving Castle?” He offered, but Oikawa gently shook his head, smiling faintly as memories of his 16th birthday resurfaced. It wasn’t that he didn't want to watch the movie, it just wasn't the question he meant to ask.

“Are you feeling worse? Should I call a nurse? Or the doctor?” Iwaizumi silently panicked, hoping this was not the case. Once again, Oikawa shook his head slowly. Hajime sighed a sigh of relief. He was about to ask the other boy if he wanted something to eat before stopping himself. It had been almost a week since Oikawa had nearly choked, unable to swallow the food he was given. Almost a week since the doctors decided it was best for him to be provided with nutrients through an IV. Almost a week since Iwaizumi had heard him talk. Almost a week since he could talk. 

“Hmm...does it have to do with me?” Hajime furrowed his eyebrows, silently chastising himself for not figuring out what Tohru was trying to ask him. Oikawa’s eyes brightened. Well, as bright as they could be in his fatigued state. He tried nodding eagerly but it came out as slight changes of his head’s position on the pillow. Iwaizumi, after noticing Oikawa frowning at his restricted movement, smiled and teased,

“Jeez, Tohru, no need to hop out of the bed! I get that you’re excited but your neck’s gonna snap with all that nodding!” Hajime used a loud, sarcastic voice, happy to have seen his best friend's goofy grin widen. He took in the sight, drilling it into his memory just in case he wouldn't get the chance to see it again. Shut up, what are you thinking? Oikawa's gonna be fine. He's going to be alright. Iwaizumi’s laughter masked the quiet sound of breaking inside of him. His smile, a shield to his hidden insecurities, his thoughts, a cover for his heartbreak. Tohru giggled silently before his eyes widened in shock. He gasped, trying to call for help. Iwaizumi rushed forward, knocking the chair he was sitting in backwards as he stood up. 

“A-are you alright? Tohru? Does it hurt again? Crap, um--HELP! NURSE!” Hajime gripped Oikawa’s shoulders and brought him into his chest as he called out for help. This wasn't the first time Oikawa’s nerves had transmitted pain for no reason, but it certainly was the worst yet. He was crying, but the weariness was apparent. In a matter of seconds a nurse ran into the room, administering Morphine through the IV in his hand. 

“It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Don’t panic, dear.” The nurse repeated, unclear on whether it was directed at Iwaizumi or Oikawa. Hajime held onto his childhood friend’s hand, watching as tears rolled down the pained boy’s face. His teeth were clenched, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead and mingling with his tears. Iwaizumi felt a lump form in his throat as he remembered what Oikawa had said to him only a week prior. 

____________________________

“Iwa-chan…” You said. You were crying. I wish you wouldn't cry, it hurts to watch. I’m sorry I’m so selfish, that I don't want you to cry because it hurts me, that I don't want you to leave, because I’ll suffer, that I can't handle the fact that soon...soon you won't be here with me. I’m sorry. But I never told you. I never told you everything I wanted to tell you because I thought I had time. I thought we could grow old together. I thought I could hold all the emotions in because we had our whole lives ahead of us where I could tell you everything. You said ‘forever’...and I almost bought it.

“Iwa…?” Crap. I got too caught up in my head. I looked up at you, you’re so beautiful. It's crazy, really, how murderers and traffickers can live their whole lives out but you, no, you just turned 19...why? Why are they taking you so early? Why can't you have a chance? You’re so strong so why is this killing you? So many people recover. So many people keep living after GBS, so why? Why can't you?

“Yes?” 

“Why...are you...crying?” Huh? I reach my hand up to my face and my fingers touch my cheek. Surely enough, it's wet from the tears I had subconsciously cried. I don't think I had ever cried this much in my life. I never was one to show emotion but everyone knew so it was fine. I didn't cry when people died, I didn't cry when people moved away, I didn't cry when we lost to Karasuno or Shiratorizawa, so why? Why was I crying now? 

“Please, Iwa-chan...d-don't cry...” I knew I couldn't see through my tears at this point so I didn't even make an effort. I knew you were crying...I didn't need to see it again anyways. Hah. How many times have you told me not to cry. I always used to tell you. After we lost games, after you scraped your elbows and your chin, after you injured your knee. But now you’re the one telling me. 

“S-sorry” Dang. I tried to control my breathing. I had so many emotions spilling out of me like a dam that burst after years. I guess...I guess I spent my life hiding my darkest fears and emotions that I...I forgot they were there. 

“It-it’s ok…”

“What did you have to say?”

“I just-I-Please... just text me your goodbye...You know I don't look pretty when I’m crying...a-and I don't want that to be your final gl-glimpse of me...please…” I sat there in shock until the sound of you crying louder broke me out of my spell. I moved towards you and you tried to turn away. You never thought you didn't look good when you cried so why did you say that? And you know there's no way I’d ever think you look anything less than breathtaking.

“What? No! Hell no I’m not gonna leave you! Are you crazy? Holy--whats gotten into you?” I tried to hold back but I couldn't. How could you say something so ridiculous? You were always there for me when I needed you so I...I’ll be here for you too. Even if I don’t want to, even if I don’t say it...I love you, Tohru…

“B-but Iwa...I-I’m like a grenade...A-and the pin’s been pulled...I wish you wouldn't stay near me you'll...just feel more p-pain...I can’t be stopped, so please...run away...before I blow up..” I stare at you with wide eyes. It had been the most you spoke since...since...I don't even remember how long. It felt like months but all the good days seemed to pass like seconds. Why did you have to say that?

__________________________

Iwaizumi put his hand on Oikawa’s cheek, caressing the boy’s soft yet stunning features. Oikawa had been sleeping for the last five hours since the attack had happened. The Morphine shot added to his fatigue meant it was likely for him to be out until the next morning. Hajime, though, had spent the entire five hours thinking himself to tears and then calming himself back down. 

He tried to tell himself that everything would be fine. That Oikawa would be okay. The lies his mind made up to keep him sane not doing enough. When the weakened boy woke up, he rolled his head to the side to face Iwaizumi. 

“How do you feel? Good?” Oikawa blinked slowly, ‘yes’. An obvious lie by how weak he looked but Iwaizumi decided to let it go. 

________________________________

Hajime heard it before he saw it. The persistent beeping of a machine. His eyes opened in an instant, nurses rushing in and out. Oikawa’s still body laid there, as it had been the night before. All Iwaizumi could do was stare. Tears did not come, nothing did. He just stood there, his body refusing to do anything. One of the nurses opened the dead boy’s hand, revealing a piece of paper folded into a small square. Pulling it out, she looked at the small text written on the outside. 

“Iwa-chan” She read, turning backwards towards Iwaizumi. Looking at him with sad eyes, the nurse placed the note in his hand. Looking at his best friend one last time, Iwaizumi walked out of the room. The familiar scent of crisp sheets and disinfectants suffocating him as he picked up his pace. I’ve got to get out of here, was the only thought going through his mind. Exiting the building, Hajime sat on the curb at the entrance of the university. He looked at the small print, reading it over and over. Iwa-chan Iwa-chan Iwa-chan Iwa-chan Iwa-chan. His fingers fumbled over the folds as he began to open it up. His breath caught as he saw the familiar handwriting, messy as always. 

Dear Iwa-chan;)

If you're reading this I’m probably gone or I lost the paper and you found it >:)  
I’ll assume I’m gone because that's when you're supposed to read this…

I loved you, from the moment we met until the moment I died, I loved you. Thank you for being there for me, for being my best friend, for being my boyfriend. I’m sorry we didn't have longer together. I know you're sad, but you should move on. You're only 18 after all. You have to let me go Iwa-chan, even if it's hard. Find a wife (or a husband>:P), have some children, grow old and in love. With someone else. 

Don’t grieve too much, Iwa, I get sad when you're sad:( Some days I wish we had never met. Then you wouldn't be sad right now, right? But I don't think I could've gone this far if I didn't know you so I’m glad we became friends. I’m so selfish, I know. 

Okay, bye bye Iwa-chan!! I'll wrap up because I bet you're sad reading this. Toss it when you're done. If not you'll just keep reading it. I know you well enough to say that>:))

I loved you Iwa.

-Your little fishy friend,  
Tohru Oikawa <3

The tears came freely now, dropping all over the paper and smudging the ink. Iwaiuzmi’s mind raced, thousands of things he wished he could have told Oikawa. He should have told Oikawa. He couldn't see anymore, tears blurring his vision. He felt an arm, pulling him up from the ground and into a car. He felt himself get pulled up stairs and through a door. He felt the soft plushy feel of a blanket and he wiped his eyes. Looking at him through red eyes was Bokuto. 

“Bokuto? Wh-where am I?” He turned his head around, and saw where he was. Pictures covered the little cork board over a desk littered in little alien stationary. Pictures of himself, of him and Oikawa, of Oikawa’s family. Clutching the blanket closer to himself he breathed in the smell of his lost friend and smiled, remembering their first kiss. 

“I miss you…” He mumbled to himself. 

“Iwaizumi-kun…? I-I’m sorry… I don't know what I’d do if Akaashi….But I know you guys were friends longer a-and—” 

“Thank you, Bokuto.” Iwaizumi interrupted, noticing the other boy’s anxiety. The two aces sat together in silence, each comforted by the other’s presence. Bokuto offered Iwaizumi to stay the night and he gratefully agreed, too tired to get back on the bus home or book a hotel room. He had been staying at the hospital and never put much thought into where he would stay after Oikawa...was gone. 

_______________________________________

“I’m sorry for your loss” Everyone had seemed to say the same thing. Iwaizumi left early, giving a eulogy that couldn't capture even half of the pain he felt. People cried. They mourned the loss of an eccentric and all around perfect boy, but not one of them visited him. It wasn’t a secret that Oikawa had been sick, it wasn't that the people did not know, they just didn't want to. Slipping out, Iwaizumi looked back at the funeral. He shook his head, subduing the rage inching up inside of him. 

When Iwaizumi got home, he was greeted by an overflowing mailbox. Noticing the dust that had begun to accumulate on his door handle, he opened the door with his sleeve. The house was quiet. It felt like a whole different world to the grieving boy, a worse world. A world without Tohru Oikawa. Placing his funeral program down next to a framed image of him and Oikawa on his 18th birthday, Iwaizumi collapsed onto his bed. Turning his head to the right, his gaze lingered on the picture until shifting down to a folded piece of paper. 

“I can't. I'm sorry.” He said, though there was nobody else in the room. His voice echoed lightly in the empty house, weighing him down with the realization of his loneliness. He sighed and reached out to pick up his phone, hesitating for a second knowing what would happen next. Ignoring the thought, he grabbed it and opened up his photos app. Oikawa filled his screen and hot tears ran down the side of Iwaizumi’s face. Throwing the phone against the wall, he curled up into a ball and fell asleep, hoping he could forget. 

_________________________________

“Iwa-chan!” What? I turned around to see you. It was you. But it wasn’t the you I saw yesterday. It wasn’t the you I lost yesterday. No. It was the you I grew up with. The charismatic Tohru Oikawa that I had grown to love. It was you. But how? I didn't understand. I saw you yesterday and you were...you were...gone...So how? How were you there?

“T-tohru…?” I asked hesitantly, scared that my voice would shatter the perfect image in front of me. It can't be real...it's impossible. I knew I shouldn't keep looking but I couldn't tear my eyes away...I couldn't tear my eyes away from you. My mouth opened as if I were going to say something but I couldn't. No sound came out. I could've sworn I had just called out your name. Could've sworn you were looking right at me but...you didn't see me. I tried again, willing my vocal chords to make a noise, any noise. Nothing but silence followed. 

“Iwa-chan…?” You asked again. I breathed heavily as I watched your eyes dart around the...around the...where were we? There was nothing but the two of us. It was empty...an exitless void. Once more I called out to you, hoping you would find me. Why? Why couldn't you see me? Your eyes kept moving around the empty space until they landed on me. Except they weren't on me. I could feel it, or rather, I couldn't feel it. Your gaze seemed to shoot right through me, as if I wasn't really standing there. Tears began to come as I watched you break down. ‘Iwa-chan!’ you screamed. ‘Iwa-chan!’ you cried. 

“Iwa-chan?” You were on the ground now, hugging your knees and trying to catch your breath. I struggled to call out to you. To tell you I was right there. To tell you to stop crying because I was there. But you couldn't hear me. I slumped onto the ground, tired from my effort. You couldn't hear me. I crawled towards you, having no strength left. I crawled towards you but I couldn't reach you. I just needed to keep going. A little more...a little more...I was...not going anywhere…? I couldn't do anything, I couldn't say anything. I was just...there. And all I could do was sit there and watch you cry. The desperation in your voice as you tried to call my name once more time. ‘Iwa-chan…?” When I didn't, no, when I couldn’t respond, you began to cry again. The sobs roared in the quiet space and your shoulders shuddered. All I wanted was to tell you I was there...but I couldn't. 

I stopped trying and rested my head on my knees. Hugging my legs and rocking back and forth, I wept. I wanted to be anywhere but wherever I was. I must’ve done something really bad for this to have happened. I thought hard, trying to find any justification for what was happening. I'm, sorry, Tohru. I'm sorry I ate your milk bread that one time when we were kids. I'm sorry I always yelled at you so much. I’m sorry I called you ‘Crappykawa’ and ‘Trashykawa’. I'm sorry I never told you I loved you…

Then it happened. You looked up and tried to call out for me once more. The one more chance I needed. ‘Iwa-chan…?’ You asked, voice raspy from sobbing. 

“T-tohru…” I knew you wouldn’t hear me but I still tried. I didn't want to give up on you. I didn't want to give up on us. Except I heard it. I heard it. My head snapped up, eyes fixated on you. You looked back at me, eyes weary, and mind hesitant to believe what you were seeing. 

“Tohru.” I said again. You blinked and rubbed your eyes, making sure you weren't being deceived as you had been too many times before. 

“Iwa…?” Your eyes widened as I smiled. A small smile, but it was enough. You put your hand on the ground and inched towards me. I let go of my knees and slowly opened my arms. You quickened your pace and got back onto your feet. I stood up, arms still open. Your face glowed as you smiled at me. You jumped into my arms and my heart fluttered at your touch. Grasping you, I buried my face into the crook of your neck. You pressed your cheek to the side of my head and laughed. It was a quiet laugh, your voice breaking a little.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered, more to myself than you. You kissed my head. It was gentle but something about it felt so final. 

“I’m sorry I never told you...I love you.” I said into your neck. We stayed like that for a while, crying in each others’ embrace. It was all I could ask for. It was perfect. You were perfect. 

“I’m sorry you fell in love with me” You whispered back. I looked up, not letting go. What? What did you mean? You were right there and I was right there and we were together so why were you sorry?

______________________________________

Iwaizumi woke up with tears in his eyes. Looking to the side, his eyes searched for Oikawa, who would always be there. Alarmed, Hajime threw the blanket off and sat up. His eyes darted around his bedroom until they landed on the small piece of paper that sent him shooting back to reality. The tears that rimmed the edges of his eyes now spilled. Realization settled in, and it was crushing him. Oikawa was gone. And he wasn’t coming back. 

Perhaps this is the saddest part about waking up in the morning. Remembering what you were trying to forget the night before...

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading:)  
> i hope you enjoyed it!  
> sorry if you didn't:(  
> if there were any formatting/grammer/spelling issues sorry!  
> lmk what you think (if you want:))  
> ❤❤❤


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